


How Thranduil Learned a New Language, or where Kili Corrupts his mind.

by TheCentiClan



Category: hobbit - Fandom
Genre: AU Modern Universe, F/M, Learning a New Language, family gathering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-18 00:24:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2328536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCentiClan/pseuds/TheCentiClan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when your partner sends you undecipherable symbols construed as a language? Well you ask someone in your family for help! Thats what you do! You dont go the easy route and just ask her yourself...Male Pride is at stake!!! That's why!!!! :-P</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He’s battled armies of dragons, orcs, goblins and the might of Sauron not once but twice. Survived the first, second, third, fourth age and now living in the modern age, but for Eru's and all other deities sake, he could not understand the little symbols his Lover writes at the end of her messages.

Text Message:

FutureMrsOropheon: Hi Babe, TBH I’m so excited for L8r!! Cant w8t to c u! :-)

What in Iluvitars name does colon with minus and close parentheses mean? Or for that matter TBH, L8r and w8t .

The logical thing to do was ask, but his pride would would not allow it.

He’d seen these dreaded symbols on the cellphone screens of his workers, his younger family members and even his son. The internet, and sites called Twitface or Mytube was filled with these symbols and icons.

He'd survived living this long and adapted to all the technological advances that the race of man invented. He was capable of using a phone, computer, printer and fax machine in order to run his business. He even learned to text in order to appease and communicate with his partner/lover (who he would never call girlfriend seeing its connotation as juvenile and asinine).

He knew in regards to being technologically savvy that he was considered well versed in the usage of everyday gizmos and gadgets that ran this modern world.

But the symbols at the end of his woman’s texts baffled him. He was as she referred it “not in with the cool kids”.

But this new way of communicating thru text messaging and all these symbols completely boggled his mind. He never liked the different fads and trends that were coming and going in human culture. Especially the current trend of announcing everything and anything on this Twitface or sending a bird with hash browns to update about what you ate.

He, the Great ElvenKing of the Woodland Realm and now current CEO and Owner of Eryn Lasgalen: The largest and richest business Empire on Earth who was fluent in almost all the known languages of man could not decode or decipher these symbols.

Incoming Text Message

FutureMrsOropherion: I’m so bummed that I can’t leave now =_= This meeting is making me space out….. O.O R U in a meeting? :-( 

What did =_= and :-( mean or O.O for that matter?! These must be some kind of secret language? Something that came with the invention of the little portable talking devices. He survived eons waiting to meet her again and continue their tumultuous relationship. But to be at wits end because now she was speaking in this manner, a language most foul since he could not decipher.

It made him want to pull out all his long luscious hair out. 

Oh Eru, what if she was trying to tell him she was in danger. Or worse that she didn’t love him anymore that she was breaking up with him? Or are her symbols hints to tell me to propose already?

New Message:

FutureMrsOropherion: I’m almost out!!!<3 BTW=3 let’s just have pizza delivered at your home so I can eat and study ok XD Cya Soon 

Another set, with new symbols. Burn him now with dragon fire, or better yet let him fall in love with Thorin Oakenshield.

What does less than sign with 3 and equal with number 3 mean? Or letter X followed by a D?  
Was this an equation she needed help answering! Was she cheating on an exam?  
He could’ve sworn she was taking Islamic Studies and not higher Mathematics.

Wait, what if this was some kind of a test. And his cluelessness would be the reason for her to think about their incompatibility? Would she would leave him because of this? Would she really? 

He shakes his head.

No he could not let this happen, after all the years he spent waiting for her and not sailing to Valinor, his future depended on him understanding this god-forsaken language? This could not be borne, the insolence of these mortals, the audacity of whoever invented this foul language.

He gripped the phone and glared menacingly at the screen.

He’d learn almost all the current languages, and he was going to learn this foul accursed one. How hard could it be?

And so our dearest ElvenKing did what any known man in the modern world would do when searching for answers. Go look it up on the World Wide Web.

GOOGLE SEARCH

What does X and D mean?

What does 0.0 mean?

What does this three letters mean BTW?

30 minutes later

Gahhhh!!!!This accursed contraption has not wielded me any answers, but has confused me even more. 

Sighing he hears his phone chime signaling a new message.

ShortHairySonInLaw: Thranduil don’t forget your hosting the family get together this weekend! Please don’t forget that Fili’s wife Sigrid is allergic to peanuts, and your sons’ girlfriend aka Sigrid’s sister Tilda will be bringing her pet Rottweiler Smaug. Please hide Sherlock from him! We wouldn’t want a repeat of last time, and for the love of Yavanna and all her little creations, do not instigate anything with Uncle Thorin, especially now that he’s officially bringing Bilba to dinner. 

SmirkwoodKing: Yes my hairy and short Son-in-Law, everything’s settled and ready for Saturday. I will try to be nice for the sake of your uncle and his ongoing relationship with Ms. Baggins. Lord knows he needs to get laid fast and soon. 

ShortHairySonInLaw: Thanks oh beloved Father... :-)

SmirkwoodKing: You’re welcome spare Heir of Durin. Wait what does this mean :-)

ShortHairySonInLaw: What you mean you?

SmirkwoodKing: This :-)….What does this?

ShortHairySonInLaw: That means smiley face oh Majestic Party King

SmirkwoodKing: And how about XD, and <3 , (0_0) and all these others…..Where do I go to find the answers? Do I need to buy a book, hire an instructor to teach me their meanings?

ShortHairySonInLaw: LMFAO!!! Step into my office dearest father in law, and let Professor Kili teach you!

And so the ElvenKings’ Durin Son in Law taught him the ways of emoticon texting.

An Hour Later

New Text Message

FutureMrsOropherion: Woooohhhh the meetings done! R U Pking me up! (?_?)Or should I just head over there? @_@

SassyElvenKing: Yes, I will pick you up! :-) Lol, TTYL, Lmfao!!

FutureMrsOropherion: Okay???? Thanks babe, I know we haven’t had some QT cuz you’ve been so busy, but I’m just happy your taking the time to spend with me.

SassyElvenKing: NP, 8======D

FutureMrsOropherion: WTF!! What '(?_?)'

SassyElvenKing: Isn’t this one of the symbols that you kids always put at the end of your messages!! LOL :-) FML...Rolf I was trying to show you that I’m still in the know! This was supposed to be a smiley alien. 8 are the eye ===== is the neck and D is the mouth. Aren’t you pleased that I’m learning! :-pppppppppppp

FutureMrsOropherion: Omg!!!! Where the hell did you learn this?

SassyElvenKing: Kili told me that was a smiley faced alien and a raspberry.

FutureMrsOropheon: Noooooo!!! That’s a picture of a penis and someone licking.UGH. NVM Thranduil Stop it!! You’re making me blush.  
\---------------------------------------------------------

SassyElvenKing: ASDFASDF IRL --LOL...NP... :-) Glad were communicating better  
:-ppppp. ORLY I know JK...TBH I will 8=====D {(0)} and :-pppppp l8r when we get home. 

And so dear readers, our dearest ElvenKing learned how to use the language of emoticons, which gave way to clearer communication between him and his beloved, bringing about copious amounts of sexytime. THE END 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where someone makes a confession but everything goes to shit because of where the information was taken from.

Somewhere in a dark corner in the castle of Dale, two figures, one tall and one short can be seen conversing.

"Are you certain this will clearly show my intentions?" The tall one said looking at his shorter counterpart.

"It will, since having spent time with her and watching those little humans on her Magic Box she calls her EYEPOONY. It even plays songs and different music. This is a surefire way to state your intentions when you see her tonight." The short one replied with confidence.

The taller of the two was rather embarrassed with the situation of asking one of the members Thorin Oakenshields Company, especially one of his kin. Eeying the dwarf in question about the legitimacy of the information given. 

"You are certain that this is the correct protocols of courtship in her culture?" The elf again asked while looking down at the parchment and suppressesing a sigh, unaware of the twinkle in the dwarfs eyes.

"Yes it is, and with this, she will fall into your arms and women of all races and culture love grand romantic gestures. So tonight you have to make your move" Said the dwarf eagerly.

"Some of these words are foreign to me. I am unclear as to what they convey!"The elf said looking back at the dwarf.

"Look Elvenking, it does not matter if you do not understand its meaning, so long as she does! And believe me she will."

Huffing, the dwarf made a move to take the parchment away, but the elf was quicker and pulled back, clutching it close to his chest. Glowering at him, the great ElvenKing took his leave of the dwarfs company, stalking out of the secluded corner while trying to decipher the meaning of what was written on the parchment.  
\---

Dales royal family was rejoicing in their Kings Nameday. With the public celebration held with the attendance nobles from neighboring completed. The private celebration for close friends and kin was currently taking place with the royal families of Erebor and Mirkwood in attendance.The Dale Royal Family was at the head table and on the Kings right side was the Erebor Royal Family represented by Prince Kili, Crown Prince Fili and a woman who was their guest since the King under the Mountain and his company were travelling on official bussiness. Situated on the Kings left side was his Queen who had to her left side the Mirkwood Royal Family with King Thranduil, Crown Prince Legolas and Gadoran in attendance. The party was already in full swing with the all royal families entourage taking part in the merrymaking.

"Kili are you okay?" Fili asked his younger brother who was continually looking at the unoccupied seat between the Queen of Dale and Crown Prince of Mirkwood. "You've been staring at Thranduils empty seat, or is it his son the Poncy Prince. I mean I know you have a thing for elves, but I dont think he likes males and youre already married!

"What are you talking about. I am not mooning over Thranduil or his elf spawn Leggylass. I have never fancied men, elves or other males of any race! If my wife even catches a whiff of what you said, she would do both of us bodily harm "Giving his brother a horrified look.

"Well you have been acting odd as of late. Is there something you want to tell me? Is it your wifes pregnancy thats causing this?" The Woman piped in, concern lacing through her speech. Fili then diverted his attention to the woman beside him. Then both looked at Kili, concern visibly seen in their faces.

"Well There is--" Kili was cut off by the sound of heavy doors opening at the arrival of the Elvenking.

Walking straight to the royal table in the direction of the woman besides the Heir of Erebor. As custom dictated she stood up to greet him but before she could even utter a word, he silenced her with a look and spoke with his deep resonating voice. 

"I'll take you to the candy shop. I'll let you lick the lollipop. Go 'head girl, don't you stop. Keep going 'til you hit the spot" reading from the parchment clutched in his hand.

Fili felt the woman tense beside him. Confusion marred his face and from the corner of his eye, he could see his brothers odd facial expression .

"Shawty you the hottest. Love the way you drop it." The elf infront of royal table again read, with anxiety oozing from his regal form.

When you "Shake your money maker  
Like somebody about to pay you.I see you on my radar. Don't you act like you afraid of" 

The woman felt the Elvenkings anxiety and embarrassment was washing over her being, staining her cheeks with red. The assembly's eyes and ears were riveted on the Mirkwood Monarch, with the Dale Royal Monarchs suddenly clueing in on what he was doing.

"Temperature rising, okay lets go to the next level. Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle. I'll break it down for you now, baby its that simple."

And

"I dont see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind baby. 

So 

"Baby grind with me.Relax your mind take your time with me. I love you deeper if you cry for me. Now come and kiss me till yo body gets weak  
Just grind with me baby Grind with me."

His emotionless face and surprising delivery made reading modern colloqialism somehow horrifying.

"Shake ya ass, watch yourself. Shake ya ass, show me what you workin" The Elvenking continued reading, not even noticing his son shooting out of his chair and Gadoran's eyes the size of saucer plates looking back at him.

The woman now bugged eyed, was appalled with disbelief. Crown Prince Fili was trying to manuever her to sit back down, all the while glaring at Thranduil. The person in question looked up from the parchment and was surprised at the shocked expression of his intended paramour.

"For vivication, I do not grasp the reason for personally taking you to a sweetshop.Since It is more convenient to have one of my servants bring you everything you desire from that place. Secondly, I do not believe you are in ownership of a pet ass hence you cannot shake it to labor as your means of income. And to my knowledge, such a thing as floor jam does not exists in this realm for consumption as a snack together with tea.

"Not in your current predicament its not!" Kili said looking at the elf and smirking. Filis' glare was then directed at the brother beside him.

Not hearing what was said, he then starts reading the parchment.

We can have "Some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross, a little Anita to definitely set this party on right!"He said looking back at the woman with a face belying confidence.

"In all my years in Arda, I have no knowledge of who these beings are. Are these your relations. Do you need them to be in attendance in todays gathering?" The elf asked.

Confusion was marring everyones faces. Kili finally lost his composure and laughed so hard that he was clutching his stomach and almost rolling off of his chair. A thud was heard, and everyone looks at the direction of the noise to see Legolas, the heir apparent and Elven Prince of Mirkwood passed out on the floor.

The Heir of Durin was sending his brother evil glares,the Elvenking returning his gaze from his unconscious son(who thanks to the Royal couples afterthought, was now being carried away by servants together with Gadoran to the guest quarters, with a young woman following suspiciously behind them) to the woman who was now sitting and slumped on the chair looking affronted and confused.

"You are mad. Have I delivered it wrongly and not made my intentions of courtship clear."The Elvenking said.

"I have no Idea what is happening anymore."Sighing and closing her eyes while Fili was patting her hands to soothe her.

"Kili informed me that this declaration is protocols for courtship in your culture." Narrowing his eyes on the blonde dwarf comforting his intended and on the brunette who was now out of breath from laughing and trying to arrange himself.

Having heard his reply, the woman opens her eyes and straightens up.

"Did he now!" She said looking at him. He gave her a nod and which then promptly made her mirror his expression looking at the brunette beside Fili.

"Thranduil are you trying to date me?" She said, keeping her eyes on the brunette that was the target of her ire, while File leaned back, trying to stay out of the crossfire.

"If you mean courting, then yes I am." Unsure if he correctly deciphered the meaning of the word date.

Righteous fury was burning through her body. She was thinking of all the ways she could do bodily harm against Thorin Oakenshields spare heir, until an idea popped into her head.

"Tell you what, tell Tauriel right now what Kili has done, and we can discuss this further."Looking back at him with a devious glint in her eye and then at Kili son to be dead Spare Heir of Erebor.

The desired reaction was achieved seeing that Kili's face was completely devoid of color and sweat started forming in his brow at the idea of his wife(who was currently pregnant, and due to weird pregnancy moods was now enamored and fiercely protective of her adopted father) finding out about his little stunt, which would result in her temper flaring and banishment from their rooms,quarters, and even the mountain itself or even death. His fear of the repercussion from his wife, made him feel woozy and lightheaded resulted in his unexpected fainting on the floor, which again shocked the denizens of the celebration. Fili recovering from shock got out of his chair, hoisted and hauled his brother to the guest quarters all the while muttering about younger brothers, being dropped on the head as infants, causing brain damage and how Uncle Thorin would kill Kili for giving Thranduil a way to now claim The woman.

Trying to salvage what was left of the Party, the Royal Couple ordered the party to continue with the assembled guests of Elves and Dwarves whispering about the event they witnessed. During this time,Thranduil had one of his men quickly dispatched with the message riding to Erebor and straight to Princess Tauriel.

Lookinat his intended and signaling her to come to him with a tilt of his head(which she willingly obliged)declared:

" I am still unsure what bump and grind means?"

She leans forward and whispers to him "Oh youll soon find out, and I mean really soon." Leaning back and looking at him with a chesire cat grin.

And that is what Thorin Oakenshield and company comes home(from his official visit to the Shire) to find his chances with the woman destroyed because of the stupidity of his spare heir. Which resulted in the early consumation of the woman and Thranduils marital rights(the same night),which destroyed any means of protest from the King Under the Mountain. That resulted in (until further notice) banishment of Kili from the mountain.

The end.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ninety year suite part I

The sounds of music and the sound approval of the guest signalled the arrival of the bridal party. 

The bride, a wonderful she-elf with long red hair was being ushered down the aisle by adoptive father and leige lord to the man she was marrying. 

Now a man he is, but not of the race of man since he is from the race of Mahal and the second in line to the Throne of Erebor. 

How an elf and a dwarf came to be united in matrimony.. Well it all started when a six year old dwarfling proposed to an adolescent she-elf.

94 years earlier.

Tauriel was in one of the indoor gardens within Erebor.Having been given the day to herself, the she-elf basked in the tranquility of being alone. Sitting in one of the benches with her eyes closed and mind drifting away, she did not notice the little form approaching her until it was climbing the bench and sitting right beside her.

Feeling another body pressed to her side, she opened her eyes to look and saw flowers being thrust dangerously close to her face.

"What is this?" she said quirking one of her eyebrows. A little annoyed at her peace and quiet being interrupted by it. 

Now by it she meant a little dwarfling who had been following her ever since their delegation set foot inside the Mountain. Said dwarfling was enamoured with anything Elvish, but took particular intereset in her, following like a shadow whenever she went. Now this garnered amusement from her kin who would always tease her about her tiny admirer.

"This flower is for you!"The little dwarfling said, his childish voice serious "so you will marry me?" and thrusting the wilting rose closer to her face.

"Come again child?!"She replied, a little flabbergasted with what she was hearing.

"I said you will marry me?!"The little dwarfling spoke to her with that-really,you are being remarkably slow-voice combined with the same expression on his face.

Frowning the young she elf took the proffered wilted flower and replied, 

"Prince Kili, if you want to marry someone, you ask! You dont order a female, of any race to marry you."

A glimmer of uncertainty flickered in his eyes. "Why?"

"Prince Kili, in order for you to get the approval of the one you intend to marry, you have to court her first, before you ask her to marry you."Sighing, and hoping that the little one would understood her explaination.

"But Fili said that if I liked a girl, I could just order her to marry me since I am a prince and rules dont apply to me. I like you because your pretty and nice, and when you marry me you can be a princess and get lots of toys and food and you can play with me Fili, Ori, and my cousins from the Blue Mountain." He said looking at her with a little frown in his brow.

"You are a Prince, but that does not give you the right to abuse your authority or position, especially in regards to a woman. I am far older than you and I cannot marry just because you think im pretty and want me to be a princess to play with you."  
She replied, again sighing and hoping that answer would quell all his other questions.

Chin quivering and face crumbling. Then little prince started crying.

"NOOOOOO!You will marry me, and you will play with me. I dont care if your older, you will be my princess. You will, you will...." He said.

Feeling guilty for making the young one cry, the she elf enveloped the little Dwarfling in her embrace, rubbing little circles on his back trying to soothe the distraught toddler. "There, there little one!Im sure that when you ask the right girl, she will say yes to you!" She said murmuring into his ear.

Sniffles quieting down, the little prince drew back to see the she-elf.

"But I dont want to marry anyone else, I want to marry you.Will you wait for me so when I grow up, can I still ask you to marry me,so you can play with me and be a princess?"the little one said, hope shining in his pretty little eyes.

"We'll see if your uncle approves when you get older and if you still like me, come find me so we can talk about your offer of courtship and me becoming your princess." She retorted.

The little prince nodded, offering her a bright smile. 

"Fili says that we dwarves grow faster than elves, so I can ask my uncle to court you next year and marry you and make you a princess sooner." 

Seeing little one happier the she elf replied with a nod, indulging him in his little fantasy. 

The little one replied in kind with a big sloppy kiss to her cheek before climbing down the chair and heading towards the door, looking only once back at her.

Tauriel watched him disappear, shaking her head and laughing, she took the wilted flower and tucked in it inside her pocket. Closing her eyes and relaxing again.

\--------

Standing at the altar, the newly married couple were greeted with cheers and claps from their family and friends. The Dwarf Prince pulled his new wife to his side to whisper. "You kept your word!" 

She smiled back at him"Of course I did,I told you then, that if you still felt the same way now, I would be amenable to your offer." 

"But it took me forever for you to say yes!" He retorded.

"Darling,I just returned the favor for all the times I got teased because of your antics when you were a babe." She replied looking at him with love and adoration.

"Well we can tell our children all about how I wore down their mother with my ninety year suit." He said smiling back at her.....

And that is how an elf and a dwarf united. As for the story of their courtship, well that will be for another day and time.


End file.
